Rules? We don’t need no stinking rules!

As the kids were growing up and getting ready to leave the house it became clear that we needed to provide some guidance for both the teenage years and after they left the house.  Oh we taught all the regular stuff, table manners, yes sir, no sir and so on but these were “how to be a family” rules.  The rules were posted on the refrigerator and every once in a while a new rule would appear.  Either out of desperation or exasperation.  We have all continued our life’s journey and don’t get together as often as I would like but I have tried to abide but these rules and for the most part think the children do also.      

Rules of the Bunning House

1.     When you receive a package you have to call the person that sent it on the same day.   I believe I wrote this one but not absolutely positive.  I love sending packages and it is so much fun to hear that someone liked what you sent, almost as much as it is to receive it…so I really look forward to that call!

2.     You always complement the cook.   This has some history…  My Mother was a great cook and had flair to trying new things.  In addition as she got older, it seems anything she made that was spicy would just get hotter and hotter…she would expect some sort of compliment at the conclusion of the meal and God help the person who neglected this detail.  Cooking is hard work; coming up with new dishes that excite and satisfy a family is difficult.  So we would always encourage our kids to compliment the cook.  It stuck and someone wrote it on the frig, it was then and still is a good rule. 

3.     Always offer or help to clear the table and do the dishes.  I would have to think their Mother put this one up, but I really believe in this one as well.  When someone cooks for you, you need to do the dishes, enough said. 

4.     Never forget a birthday, always call on that day and try to send a card.  I must confess this seems very difficult for my children to do. Not sure why but it is important to try to keep the magic of childhood for as long as possible. Even when you are old…

5.     You have to try everything that is served.  You don’t have to take very much but you have to try new foods and revisit old ones you don’t care for.  This is a good way to approach life, always willing to try new things.  It is only when you stretch that you will grow.

6.     Drinking is not an excuse for being stupid.  Everyone will drink to excess but you don’t ever get to drink until you’re out of control and do something stupid. 

7.     Never say you don’t like something… Say something like I don’t really care for that or not really hungry right now.  Announcing at the table that you don’t like something your Mother or host has served is a real “buzz kill” 

I am sure there are rules I have missed but this is a good start…  add your own.  

Things You Should Know About Your Mom

At the end of each day my family would gather around the table to eat supper, my Father always at the head of the table my Mom to his left and the five kids scattered around the rectangular stainless/formica table with matching chairs.  We said a prayer, very brief and never led by my father.  We were living in rural Ohio, near Lake Erie on the Little Portage River.  My Dad worked construction and my Mom was a waitress.  Supper was the only meal of the day where we all came together, and recounted the day’s events plus we always had new tasks assigned or reminded of over due ones.  On a typical evening my Mom would insist that the children take two or three slices of bread prior to sitting down to dinner.  At the time I thought she was just trying to get rid of bread but now it is clear she was trying to fill us up. 

As “farm folks” we always had a big garden and the bounty always found it’s way to our table in the form of fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans and watermelon. 

Looking back I now know we were poor but it never felt like it, my parents went to great lengths to make our house a home.   We always seemed to have what we (children) needed, celebrated all holidays and generally had a very happy childhood. During the summer a typical meal would have the garden vegetables and in the winter the same type of vegetables only canned.   Yes, my Mom canned all sorts of things.  We would often have fish we had caught, ducks we shot or any variety of wildlife we could find.  When we were lucky enough to have chicken or beef it was very special. So there are seven of us crowed around the table all with healthy appetites and there would be only one chicken.  My Dad would always go first and he would always take a breast… At this point you should know that I was the youngest of five… yes last for everything.   Because meat passed from my Dad to the left where my Mom set, your position at the table was vital for your fair share.   Typically by the time it got to me I would get a wing or leg, never one of the prime pieces.  Seems funny now, if I was feeding seven people, one chicken would not cut it these days but back then it worked.  

I always thought it strange that my Mom’s favorite part of the chicken was the back and tail… she would make a big deal at the table on how no one could touch that part of the chicken because that was hers!  I always thought, go for it… I hated that piece, there was never any meat on it but it looked like a regular piece of chicken. Now with aid of hindsight and a better understanding of Mothers it is obvious Mom was sacrificing for all of us and doing it in a very magnanimous way. 

I wonder what else my Mom did for her family that I will never know? 

Believe What You Want To Believe In

In one of my favorite movies, “Secondhand Lions” there is a dialog that really resonates with me.  The quote comes from Hub McCann who is giving a speech: “What every boy needs to know to be a man” to Walter.  It was in response to Walter saying: “I don’t know what to believe in.”

“If you want to believe in something, then believe in it. Just because something isn’t true, there’s no reason you can’t believe in it. Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage and virtue mean everything; that power and money mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; that true love never dies. It doesn’t matter if they are true or not. A man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.”

The line within the quote that strikes me is “believe what you want to believe.”  I like the entire quote but this line epitomizes how I think we should approach some of our key beliefs.  We should not base our beliefs on what is fashionable or politically correct but on how we want something to be.

Everyday we are faced with incomplete information and it is implied that we need to make a decision or change our position on a given subject; I don’t subscribe to this theory.  For example:  There have been times in my life when I was told derogatory things about my parents.  Like Walter I did not know what to believe and really was at a loss on how to react to the information.  So I choose to believe what I wanted to believe and not let something that may or may not be true change my impression of my parents.  This has helped me deal with people who attempt to challenge my beliefs highlighting a snapshot event to seed doubts about a person or organization.  

This philosophy applies to any number of subject areas but is not carte blanche.  One still has to make decisions based on facts but a single data point does not need to result in a course correction on your beliefs. 

Pass the Potatoes Please

As a kid I vividly remember my parents emphasis on “good table manners.”   Phrases like; Don’t put your elbows on the table, pass food from left to right, chew with your mouth closed and my personal favorite “sit up straight.”   Throughout my life I have had numerous opportunities to witness first hand the awkwardness that goes with eating with someone who has poor table manners.  In most cases the offender is unaware of the impact their lack of table manners has on the other diners.  They may or may not know better but they seem to be oblivious to the impact their eating habits have on the people around them.  In most cases poor table manners will result in ostracizing by friends and colleagues who find this unacceptable, So a few suggestions for everyone to follow… most everyone has a cell phone with a recording device, sit down with a sandwich and chips (by yourself) and record yourself eating lunch.  Then plays it back if you can hear yourself eating, if you can then so can everyone else.  Keeping your mouth closed and sounds to a minimum will keep everyone comfortable… chips should be eaten one or two at a time, not a handful. While attending college I witnessed this first hand when a fellow student who was awkward to begin with was not aware of the impact his eating habits had on the people around him.  Most social settings center around food and sitting down to eat with him was uncomfortable and people would avoid the situation.  Most people never got the chance to know him because they refused to eat with him more than once. So all you Moms and Dads teach your kids good table manners…it is as important as music class.   If you follow these simple rules and pay attention while eating everyone will enjoy the meal and oh yeah sit up straight….